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My journey toward salvation by the Divine Mercy of Jesus Christ
The Lord has called me to Communicate my journey towards the salvation He is accomplishing in my life through the Divine Mercy of Jesus Christ. Sharing has always been hard for me. Communicating the many times my sins have caused more pain and suffering for others who are dear to me in this journey has not been easy to face, but necessary unto repentance asking forgiveness of those I have hurt. This is the beginning for me to publicly expose myself to the truth about the dark places of my journey and Jesus longsuffering over the whole of my life allowing His light to come forth. Growing up as a young boy in our household was frightening for me. My Grandmother Martha Marsh was the first one to take notice of my fears of the dark. I remember going to Grandmothers for a couple nights stay. I was only four years old and greatly afraid of sleeping in the dark. Grandmother was so concerned she would ask me what it was that I was afraid of? I would try to think of an answer for my fears but had no words to express them. Grandmother being a God fearing women, had a great love for Jesus, and His word, she would keep a light on for me and say a prayer with me before going to her bedroom. It wasn’t until I became an adult I began to recall my fears by the help of the Holy Spirit exposing these repressed attitudes and memories. Now as an adult the answer to Grandmother’s question came to me. I had a deep fear of not having my father home to protect me. My Dad was on the road most of the time driving truck for Fleet Carrier and gone most nights out on long trips. My mother would often be up at night worrying for Dad’s safety knowing how dangerous truck driving was during his days on the road. Mom would often ask me to pray with her for Daddy’s safety before heading off to bed. The four year old in me was made to feel like a big boy knowing that mom asked me to pray with her made me feel special but also fearful at the same time. One weekend when Dad was home we were in the kitchen as a family and Dad heard noise outside in the front yard. Dad quickly turned the lights off in the house to see outside. He picked me up in his arms and held me so I could not see out the window but I peeked anyway, and to my horror I saw a yellow cab out at the road in front of our house. The cab driver was struggling to get away from this man inside his vehicle who had a knife thrusting it into his chest. I remember seeing the blood hit the glass on the inside of the car. My parents called the police and after that night we never talked about this horrifying event ever again as a family. After that night I always had a hard time sleeping through out the night ever since the horrifying night as a young boy. I remember having these nightmares as if that man who stabbed the cab driver could possibly came back to our home and kill us. After seeing this crime take place the fear in my heart was affecting the way I reacted toward relating openly with other children. I remember in kindergarten not wanting to play on the playground with other children so I would stand-alone by myself until the bell would ring. My favorite day of the week as a boy was always Sundays when we would go to Sunday school and Church, and then up to see Grandma and Grandpa Marsh. At the age of five I remember going to children’s church holding the hand of my brother John who was 18 months younger then I. In children’s Church Brother John Harden would share with us kids about the Love of Jesus and how he wants to be our closest friend. I was so open to his message because I needed a close friend who understood me and loved me, so I asked Jesus to come into my heart and take away my sins. My fearful boyhood suddenly changed at five years of age to playing in the back yard or at school with Jesus always with me, and hearing His voice whisper in my ear. His Love became real to me where ever and whenever, as a boy running and playing, or watching the birds fly from tree to tree. During those early years I made a public confession of my faith in Church at First Open Bible and was baptized by Pastor Arthur Mogglot. Mom and Dad gave me a King James Bible that day and I kept it with me in my bedroom close to my bed and even took it to school. I would underline my favorite verses and I still have my first Bible to this day. When I reached the ages of 12 and 13 years old I went to Church camp with the other young people of our church. The summers of 1972 and 1973 I experienced the Baptism of the Holy Spirit with a prayer language that I have not always been dependant on during times of weakness and temptation. I remember in the midst of a deep sleep I woke up speaking in tongues so loudly I was very startled. I told Mom what had happed and she called Pastor Mogglot and had me talk with him. I remember his words to this day” Wade, you have been given a prayer language and the Lord wants you to use the gift he has given you. Thank the Lord!” The Love of God became more real to me on a spiritual level of experiences but I don’t think I was very thankful for the gift, and was lacking knowledge of Him from the Holy Scriptures. During my formative teenage years I started experiencing inner feelings toward other boys in a sexual way. I knew that my inner conscience was telling me how God created me to be, and I would cry out to Him over and over for help but the feelings and temptations got stronger, so I questioned my need to fight them. I was 15 years old when Mom and Dad’s marriage fell apart over infidelity and unforegiviness toward each other. I would cry out to God to restore their marriage and lives but I lost hope seeing them go on meeting other sex partners. The next five years of my life was full of complete rebellion against God and my family when I headed off with my cousin and friends to party at the gay clubs to engage in drugs, sex, and house parties with other hurting people from broken homes. I remember the Lord speaking to my heart in the midst of all this but I gave Him none of my attention or time. All through out High School I worked for my Dad’s company until he closed his business as a Home Builder and Real estate Broker who also did remodeling.
I then took a job working at the Oxford Coop. During that time I hit bottom and went into depression hearing voices telling me lies of torment and how evil I was. I remember calling my Grandma Marsh and telling her what I was experiencing in hearing these voices telling me I was the Anti-Christ and how I was so evil. My Grandmother told me; “your heart is full of fear over what is happening with your Dad and Mom and you are blaming God but your heart is still good in that Jesus will not let you go because he has a work for you and He loves you so much”. Those words from Grandma speak volumes of wisdom to my heart every time I hit bottom and they help me turn my eyes back on Jesus and what he has done for me at the cross, and the people He wants me to touch. I remember my Grandmother telling me many times that her favorite Book in the Bible was Isaiah specially chapter 61. I believe God had far in advance prepared Grandmother to take my call that day.
My Aunt Vicky on my Mothers side saw that I was hurting and suffering so she invited me to come back to the Church and hear the new Pastor Ronald Krantz who had a passion for teaching the scriptures. I returned to First Open Bible and got involved into the choir, and the men’s quartet, and became president of our Overcomers Youth group. I still had temptations and feeling toward same sex relations but I never acted on them after returning to the Church. I remember talking to Pastor Krantz about these feelings and temptations, he told me: “ those feelings may always be there in your life and God will always make a way for you to overcome them”. Our Overcomers young peoples group decided to go to Open Bible Summer Church Camp that year June of 1980. There at Church camp I experienced a dream during the night. The Holy Spirit showed me the hands of Jesus, which then turned to become my hands holding many peoples hands as He surrounded me in great warmth of His Loving-kindness flowing from His hands of Love through mine to these people. This dream was with such a reality of Love and illumination of Peace that I could not explain it let alone comprehend. I was about to turn 20 years old that fall and always had dreams of going to school to study for the ministry so I talked with my pastor and he was totally behind me going. Ron Krantz took the time off of his busy schedule as pastor to personally drive me to Open Bible College in DesMoines Iowa where I would proceed to get four year accredited degree in Pastoral ministry and Bible.
I was 21 when I entered Bible College and met a wonder girl there named Donna Davis who loved Jesus. Donna was also studying a four-year pastoral degree after she left her Catholic faith shortly after experiencing the Baptism in the Holy Spirit in an Open Bible Church in South Dakota. She was very open to me about her past, and I felt comfortable around her enough to share my past including sexual relationships with other men in my teens. She listened to me without condemning me and shared with me about friends she had in nursing school who had same sex attractions and acted on them. Donna never condoned the sin of her friends with same sex attraction or any of mine for that matter. Donna would never disown them or me of the Love and forgiveness offered her through her Lord Jesus.
Donna and I proceeded to become close friends and quickly moved fore ward after my freshman year to marry in August 1982 before returning to college my sophomore year. We were not financially ready to marry so we had some real struggles making it through our early years of marriage. I graduated with a four-year degree and Donna with an associate because of her health; she was not able to complete her four-year degree. We never went on to pastor a church or to minister together. We both had our own separate devotions, but never together as a married couple. I had never learned to take the servant role as a husband in fear of the Lord in my home. As students in Bible College we spent more time discussing what was wrong with church, and neglecting to pray for the Church. We were full of dangerous head knowledge and pride but very little heart for God’s people. I was more caught up with accusations about the Churches we visited and the people, so Donna and I stopped going to Open Bible Churches and tried different denominations. Our hearts were far from hearing Jesus speak to us and after seven years of marriage I left Donna for a relationship with a man.
That first relationship lasted two years and it fell apart after Donna and her friend invited me to attend a Malcolm Smith seminar on Unconditional Love and I accepted.I was captured by the message of grace through Malcolm ministering how the gospel relates to life’s challenging fears and failures.
Shortly after the seminar I decided to pack up and leave and move back in with Donna. Donna had a Church she was going to that taught spiritual warfare, but I didn’t have a church home and shortly after moving into our old apartment I went into a complete emotional break from reality. Donna and her friend tried spiritual warfare to break up the demonic activity that was thought to be influencing my break down. This happened a couple of times and I then called my Dad and he came to spend some time with me to see what I was experiencing.
Dad and I spent that night at a motel six together and I went into another break from reality and Dad called Donna and they then called for medical backup to take me into the County mental hospital. There at Polk County mental hospital I was strapped to the floor, so I wouldn’t hurt myself or others.
The first couple of days I wasn’t sure I was going to make it back to reality. My mind was gone. I could not even have told you my name for over three days I was in some kind of hell of a darkness I cannot explain. After coming out of the state of darkness I remember singing scripture songs in my spirit that was taught to me during those days at Church camp. One song in particular that I remember pulled me completely back to reality was “thy Loving-Kindness is better than life” I sang the song so loud they came to the door and told me to quiet down in there or I wouldn’t receive food. Well I continued to sing and cried out to the Lord and fell asleep.
Donna had me transported to a Christian hospital in Bay Town, Texas were my Doctor told me that I didn’t need to stop being gay to get better. He said; “it is ok to be Gay and God made you that way” and he went on to tell me “you need to accept you’re a Homosexual”. Well in my spirit and my soul it did not make sense to me after all the suffering I have experienced in life because of these feelings wired into my body. I know I needed to seek the Lord Jesus for direction because He was the one that brought me back to reality in that county mental hospital. I remained at the Bay Town Hospital for over a month going through psychiatric group therapy before being released. I was not convinced I could stay with Donna after the hospital so I moved to Michigan back around my parents to restart my life. Donna and I then went through divorce after I moved my things to Michigan.
Under the direction of the Hospital in Texas I was required to receive follow-up counseling, so I went to Exchange Life Ministries which focused on the grace message of the gospel. I was also in touch with Philip Movius who had gone through Exodus International when he decided to make changes in his life, and he invited me to visit his Church in Detroit. I then went to his church at Restoration Christian Fellowship, which was set up like a vineyard Church. I received real help and healing in the small groups I visited weekly and attended men’s prayer groups regularly. I chose not to get evolved with the Exodus group of men who were trying to change from being homosexuals into heterosexuals. That didn’t make since to me to join the Exodus group, because I needed to be around healthy men who did not share the same weakness I suffer. Through the prayers and connections of friends Donna and I began to reconnect and communicate the Lord’s working in our lives. Donna and I worked to rebuild our relationship believing God to receive the victory in leading us to remarry. We married each other the second time in the fall of 1992 at Restoration Christian Fellowship in Detroit.
Donna and I were married in this none denominational Church and started right back to our old ways as a couple complaining what was wrong with the Church and soon became discouraged and left that church before being remarried for one year. As a husband I still never learned to take the role in seeking the Lord in front of my wife and together as a couple. I allowed a spirit of death bringing accusation and criticism rather then the spirit of life bringing prayer and intercession.
One afternoon Donna and I were listing to Malcolm Smith on the radio tell of his new journey into the Charismatic Episcopal Church as a Bishop. He told over the radio of a good friend Fredrick Fick who became a priest during the same time he became Bishop. Father Fred and his new parish where close to where Donna and I were living. We soon called Father Fred and made plans on meeting him and his wife at a local restaurant. We waited a full year before going to visit this new parish because of issues we felt needed to be faced in our own lives. This new Church was a convergence church of three streams: Charismatic, Evangelical, and Catholic. From the start this seemed to be the answer of many years of prayer for Donna and I seeking the ideal Church. Wow we felt we made it home!
Time went on and the newness of the Church settled in and we started teaching in the Sunday school and were a prayer team as a husband and wife during mass from time to time. I started making big money as a Kitchen and Bath designer and purchased a computer for the home along with a cell phone. We then entered on the Internet for the first time with a new amazement over how easy it is to communicate online. Donna and I seemed greatly blessed, but I neglected to bring a real seeking the Lord for direction as a married couple. We could hear the Lord speak to us separately but not together.
I then let greed for money take over working long hours to bring home large commission checks, which we spent, quiet quickly. I then began using the Internet and my cell phone to communicate with other men with same sex attraction having a strong temptation to return, so I went to confession, but the temptations to meet other men increased. Donna recognized the signs and called the Church for help. The church confronted me in a Loving manner by giving me an ultimatum to change and get help. I was told about this retreat house in Lake Orion were it was a quiet atmosphere for prayer and study. I decided to go to this retreat house so Donna and I separated. I never did go back for counseling or to the Church after leaving the house that day. I stayed at the retreat house a few days and then moved in with cousin and started going to a gay club in Royal Oak, Michigan the fall of 1998 I meet a man that I would spend the next seven years. I had put Donna and the Church through so much pain for so long humanly speaking, time was running out for me to return. The pain and suffering my sin has caused in seeking men for love was foolish and wrong.
Donna went on in life, and we divorced for the final end to our marriage in 1999, and she remarried and she is now a grandmother teaching children in the Catholic Church after returning to her childhood faith that her parents handed down to her.
The Church was never the problem my harden heart toward God Himself was getting in the way producing rebellion and death. After going from one relationship into another I began to see a pattern of seeking sex for love. Thanks for some close friends in the Church for their continued prayers, and my sister Ronda who have confronted me to take a real personal inventory of my life.
See Jesus had been calling me all through out this journey to place Him as the only Love, in place of sex, greed of money, those passions hidden in the dark places of my heart. Only God knows and understands how to extend His Divine Mercy through Jesus Christ to flush us out from the lies we tell ourselves.
On this one-year anniversary of being fully received into the one Holy Catholic Church and Apostolic Church I share with you my personal journey through the strength I have received from the sacrament of reconciliation. (You can read more about my journey into the Roman Catholic Church http://francisambrose.blogspot.com/ ). I thank God for this sacrament of Jesus that imparts forgiveness and reparation. The chance to make all things new and became a blessing to others.
I want to dedicate this testimony to those who are out their struggling overtaken by so much failure from an addiction to sex they have no hope. The Church does hold the answer found in the Face of Jesus Christ as your One True Love filling your heart with joy and destroying the emptiness and void brought on by your addictions.
Let us thank God and seek Him as our Father, and ask Mary the ever Virgin to pray for us, so our new heart says; “yes” to her son Jesus in all of life’s journey, to our Lord and only Lover of our soul, and His Holy Spirit be praised fore ever and ever.
Amen.
Thanks be to God, Alleluia, Alleluia, Alleluia!
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