Wow, it's been a long time since last time I wrote...again. I guess I just have been so busy. A lot's happened since last time I wrote. I'm feeling better. The enemy definitely is trying to take a hold over me but I've got the victory in the Lord. It ain't gonna happen lol! I've been just learning to praise Him anyway through all the mess that may happen. Why? Because He's still God and He's still good. My circumstances don't change that and never will. Things are looking a little better in my life. Not because things have changed but because God is changing me. He's helping me to deal with things and to adapt to things. Also, He's been providing for me.
I've been looking for a job since I graduated from school in May and have been doing mostly freelance work. I did the temp agency thing and did the part-time job search thing in retail places. For some reason, though, nobody would hire me from regular retail stores. I don't know why. I applied EVERYWHERE. Let me tell you, everywhere...from Stop & Shop to Crate & Barrel. Everywhere. Meantime I've been applying to "real" jobs too. I had my eye on this graphic design job at IKEA for awhile because I LOVE Ikea and their products. It's just a fun store and I love interior decorating so it seemed perfect. There was a job at the one in Brooklyn, NY I had my eye on because they're opening one there in May 2008. I kept applying to jobs and even jobs out of state. Mostly, I got emails saying that I didn't qualify for the job, but I said "oh well"...there will be other better jobs out there. For some reason, a lot of places I applied in the DC area didn't want to openly, directly ask me for an interview. They'd beat around the bush and say "well, are you going to be in the area? If so, you can stop in for an interview". What kinda stuff is that? They didn't want to directly ask me for an interview, which lets me think they didn't want me there anyway. I just didn't feel really confident in those places.
But today I got an email from IKEA Atlanta saying that they want me to come in for an interview. I was so excited because I forgot I had even applied there lol! I mean, I've been applying everywhere! I felt like she really wanted me there too, because she asked me directly if I wanted to interview with them. Also, because she said she was impressed with my resume. I'm just so excited. I'm going to claim this job because this job would be so hot! I'm claiming it in the name of Jesus because that job will be mine!
I am an art student at ECSU, trying to learn more ways to enhance my creativity through art, photography, and writing. More importantly, though, I am a faithful believer in the Lord Jesus Christ. I love and live only for Him! I am trying to follow his Word and follow the path He has mapped out for my life. I am an older sister and a friend to my sister Brittney, who I love dearly. I love music, movies, Hello Kitty, anime, Apple computers, photography, watching tv, playing video games (GameCube, baby!), and many other things...
btw, i ♥ cherry blossoms...
My Testimony
For a long time, I didn't feel fulfilled or even worthy of love in my life. I don't really have a great relationship with my mother; I love her but she's not really the best emotional supporter that I need in my life. I always thought that I was unlovable, not good enough, and just unable to make long-lasting relationships. I went to seek love from men because I couldn't get the love I wanted from home. I didn't sleep around with men but I invested my heart in men that could not give me what I needed. After my boyfriend broke up with me in January, I felt so down. I just felt like there really was no hope for me to ever find anyone to love me, with everlasting love. This all happened right before the semester started too (great timing!) so I decided to just join a Christian fellowship group on campus called P.O.W.E.R. I joined the group to meet some new people, learn more about the word of God, and to have something to do on campus. To my surprise, God blessed me sooo much by being a part of this group! I made real, true friends, which is something I've never had because most of my "friends" were fake and talked behind my back. These girls were humble, God-fearing, true, honest, patient, loving FRIENDS. God also blessed me with confidence that I never had before. He made me more outgoing and helped me believe in myself. God delivered me from the depression that I had been in for about 4 years. I had tried for sooo long to cure myself, but God did it in only 1 semester! I am soooo grateful to Him! Hopefully, my testimony can help other people out there who are struggling with the same issues that I struggled with. I'm still on my journey with God; He is taking me farther than I thought I would ever go. I am so glad to be His beloved!
Why is my family the way it is? I feel so disconnected from my family. I mean, I feel like half the time my mom doesn't even like me. I want the opposite for my family. I want to show my children that I love them with all my heart. I wish I could have the love that I want to give. Why do I have to hold the burden of breaking the family cycle? My grandma did it to my mom, my mom did it to me...why is it my responsibility to end this hateful cycle? I wish I was just loved. I don't think my mom hates me, but she doesn't like me either. When I have my own family, I want to love my kids, hug them, kiss them, show them that I love them by everything I do. I want to love my husband the same way. I just keep wondering...what am I going to offer my husband when I get to know him? I don't really feel like I have family. Who is he going to get to know? I don't want to scare him away with how my family is disfunctional. I think that I am a good catch, regardless of how my family is...but I am part of my family. There are some things that effect me as a person that are a result of my family. I'm not happy about a lot of things I've gone through. I do hurt when I feel like I don't have the love I want so much. I try to forgive my family, but I have to live with it every day, all day. It's hard to ignore when you're surrounded by it all the time. Plus, I have emotions. I feel things. A lot of the time, I can brush things off, but I do have times when I feel things.
This whole waiting process makes me think a lot. I think about where I am, where I want to be, what I have to do to get there. So many people tell me to focus on you and seek you first. I do that. I feel like I don't just act out of impulse. I keep thinking...what am I doing wrong? Or am I not being blessed because I'm thinking too much? What's wrong with me? I'm not happy...not with anything going on in my life right now. I used to be such a happy person. Now, my family acts like they don't care about me, I don't have many friends to hang out with, I don't have anyone to love me. I just feel so unloved and unwanted. I feel like a burden. When will all of this end? I'm so tired of waiting. I don't want to give up on hoping and my faith, but it's so hard when you see nothing happening...no improvements. What do I do in the meantime? I feel like I don't even know how to smile again. What's fun? What's happiness? I don't even remember. I know that bad times don't last always...but when is it the end of my dark season? I'm really trying to make the best of this season. I'm trying to smile, and be encouraged. I try to do things that I love, but I feel so lost. I don't know what I like. I feel lonely because I don't have anyone to hang out with. I just feel stuck in a rut. When will this end?
I hate how my life is right now. I just don't feel like anything is going right. My family, my lack of friends, no car, no job, low self=esteem, boredom, everything. I want to make friends that I can hang out with and go out to have fun. It's so hard for me to make friends though. I don't know why. It just feels like I wasn't born with the "making friends" gene. I feel like all these things are preventing me to have the life that I want. How long am I going to go through this? Why is all of this happening to me? I'm just so tired of feeling this way. I'm trying to do everything right. I try to live right, live for You. I try to read the Word and pray at all times. Why doesn't anything change? Am I going to live like this forever. I feel miserable. I just always feel like my life isn't as good as other people. I know that I can't look into peoples lives and say for sure that their life is better than mine, but from looking at mine, I feel like it is. I want to go out with friends, I want to get up and drive to a place I've never been before. I want to laugh, joke, have fun with my family and friends. I want a loving relationship. I just want to be happy. I just feel like I'm not capable of having all of that because of who I am and what I've been through in my life. Is that true? If not, why doesn't anything change? How long will it last? I feel like I don't belong with anyone. I don't belong with my family, I don't have many friends. I hate it. As much as I try to go out and make friends, I don't know what to say half the time. I'm not shy, but I don't know what to say. When you don't know anyone in a crowded room of people who know each other, I don't know what to say. Why does it seem so easy for other people to make and keep friends? It's such a task for me. That's why I cherish the friendships that I do have. What's going on? No wonder nobody is interested in me. Why would anyone want me? I have too many problems, I don't have any friends, I have nothing to offer them. I hate my life right now.
There are so many things I have to do in order to be who I want to be and get what I want to get. I was reading this book and it was stating that we women should make life work, whether we're in our ideal situations or not (regarding being single or not). Obviously, being single is not my ideal status so it's hard for me to just be content with that. I've tried over and over to not worry about it. To let God do His thing...but I still don't feel content about it. I don't know if that's wrong to feel that way, but I do feel that way. In the book, it compared this situation with the story of Ruth and how she was just dealing with her day-to-day life...getting crops from the fields so she could support herself and her mother-in-law. They were in a new land, which was not Ruth's native land. She just had to make use of everything she could and make it work. Boaz found her and was interested in her and they married. She didn't wait on a man to sweep her away and then they lived happily ever after. I guess I am struggling with that too. I don't want to be the type of woman who has to wait on her man to do things. But I find that I don't really have anything to work with in the time being. I don't have a car, job, no one really to talk to...I just feel so empty. I want to be content but I'm not. I feel like I have just soo much to do. But I don't know if I can do it. I don't know if I can succeed and be content. I have so many issues with myself (self-esteem, trust issues, abandonment issues, etc). How can I ever get to the place where I want to go? I don't even know where to begin. I do know that I want to be blessed with a marriage and children but I keep getting discouraged by all the problems I have. How can I get the courage and strength and faith to be the person I need to be?
Valentines Day is coming up....what does that mean? Most people see it as a day where they show their affection and love to their beloved. They see it as a day to go out and buy flowers, candy, and gifts for the one they love. This is all good. But I think we should show true love all year round. Jesus loved us soo much that he gave His life for us. We weren't being good; we were sinners and He still loved us. Sometimes it's hard for me to believe that someone can love me even when I don't do right and are mean and mess up every day. We as people are used to getting praised by doing good works and by earning it. God loves us regardless of if we do something right. He's loved us since the beginning. I think we should show the unconditional love towards our brothers and sisters by being more patient, helping them out in times of need, listening when they need someone to talk to, and just being a friend. I, myself, am still working on being more patient because I know that I can be very impatient with people. I'm trying to let God change my life and help me to become for like Him. Just think...Jesus was VERY patient with us. While He was on earth, He taught us different lessons and retaught us the same lessons without getting grumpy and huffy because we didn't get it the first time. He was patient with us when we sinned; in fact, He forgave us when we did wrong! That's love! That's the kind of love we should all strive to put out. It's not the commercialized love that the world displays being shown on February 14th. It's the love that Jesus shows for us every day.
